Anticipation

We are nearing the end ... a few more days if Baby Sister plays by the rules. Ellen certainly didn't. I remember thinking at the time she was born that it was a relatively bold / brazen / demanding way to enter the world and I wondered if it was a reflection of her personality. In some ways, yes.

For most of this pregnancy I've pretty much thought about Baby Sister as Ellen, version 2. I expect them to look the same, eat the same, sleep the same, act the same. I logically know that is not the case, but it's what I know. It's familiar. It's comforting to think that I *might* have some idea what I'm doing this time. I can't wait to meet this sweet girl and see if her hair is dark or light (oh yes, she has some), curly or straight. I do hope the eating well and sleeping well hold true - Ellen was amazing on both fronts. I can't wait to learn about her and see that little personality develop.

In  many ways I feel that Ellen and I really "get" each other. We are similar in many ways. I love her to pieces, of course, but I also find that I genuinely like her, too. That may sound strange, but I think most parents would admit to moments or days where they love their children, but don't like them (or their behavior, more accurately) very much. We have our moments, but they are fewer and farther between. Our friends reassured us that getting closer to age 4 would really help matters, and (thankfully) I find that to be the case. We spend so much time together and she is now more of a companion versus a living being that I am charged with keeping fed and alive. She is a good storyteller and has forced me to sharpen my storytelling skills - it fills the time during all of our car trips. I love watching her brain work - she has an amazing memory and is asking more and more insightful questions or calling us out on things that don't seem quite right to her. She is friendly and funny and, as much as she is like me, I think she is equally like Erik - a side I don't fully understand, but appreciate nonetheless.

All of this is to say that, as we count down the days, I find myself just staring at her and thinking she seems so big and grown up. How? When? It is the wish of every parent that their child grows up to be happy and healthy and productive, but sometimes these pointed reminders are so bittersweet. She has been nothing but excited about Baby Sister since the day she found out, but has had a few recent moments of tears / anger / frustration that she just couldn't explain. I'm sure she senses the changes that are coming and, as much as we try to talk our way through them, it's just hard. Frankly, I feel the same way sometimes. I worry that we are turning her life upside down. I worry about her adjustment. I was talking with my wonderful Aunt last night and she asked me if I remembered anything about Betsy coming home from the hospital? We are 3 1/2 years apart and, no, I don't remember anything. It was the perfect reassurance that all will (eventually) be well. Erik and I both feel that having siblings is one of the best parts of our lives and we are so happy and fortunate to provide that experience for Ellen.

So, our freezer is stocked. Our bags are packed. The closets are clean and my Inbox has been purged. If I'm being overly analytical (when am I not?) I would say that I have gone to the extremes of nesting because it gives me control over an otherwise uncontrollable situation. In retrospect, there was very little of this during my pregnancy with Ellen, or at least not to this degree. I thought I had time and frankly had no idea what the hell I was doing. Her birth was the total opposite of being in control. Now I feel like I know what is coming, even being 90% sure of the day and time Baby Sister will arrive. If my house is ready, the rest will be easier, right?

So, we're ready. And we're not ready. Are you ever? I heard a pregnant friend say this summer, "easier in than out", and I've been pretty much in agreement up until this point. I am uncomfortable - much more so than I remember with Ellen, but know that the first few weeks home won't be much better WITH the addition of a newborn. I think this is the last time we'll be doing this ... sudden hearing loss in pregnancy #1, numb hands in pregnancy #2 ... us science-y folk don't like to tempt fate. I will really miss the rolling belly and baby hiccups, and even the feet up under my ribs. I find myself wanting pictures and videos to document so much (despite the puffy face and hands) because I don't think it will happen again. I'm totally over my maternity clothes, yet the freedom of wearing a tight / verging on too tight shirt over a swelling belly just doesn't come around often enough. People are generally extra nice and helpful when a woman is pregnant - let's hope the cute newborn also buys me some sympathy.

Ellen told me last week that "I loved her more when she was a baby". I reassured her, over and over, that I loved her every bit as much as the day she came home, if not more. I explained that moms and dads are lucky that their hearts grow so they can love all of their children. I look forward to the challenge of loving my girls uniquely ... my heart is growing.